1,2,3,4, Rejection

Flash back...

Seeing the cool group of kids in elementary school, hanging out by the kickball field, trying to join in...worse than getting picked last, I didn't get picked at all...funny looks, whispering in ears, the strut away, rejection.

Alright, flash back...

Inviting kids to my birthday parties, everyone off doing their own thing, funny looks, whispering, ignoring me blowing out the candles, rejection.

Let's try this again...flash back...

Inviting a friend over to my house after school, friend says yes that day, says she is sick the next day, mom catches my "friend" walking home after school with another, more popular girl...scolding, shock, missed opportunities, rejection.

You get the idea. Ouch, right?

Elementary school was pretty much just a miserable time all around. I know I've touched on this time in my life a lot, because it's the one that hits the hardest for me and the one where a lot of my pain has stemmed from. It's also where my autism had the biggest affect on me. I notice more and more the older I get. I don't trust. I run away when I sense rejection coming.Sometimes I feel as if my rejection in the past has given me a split personality. It has made me either overcompensate my fear by being over-the-top and the fun person everyone wants to being around (sometimes overwhelmingly so), or the girl who shuts down and avoids her feelings and the people around her.
It almost caused me more pain to learn about this rejection as I got older...I can't say I noticed all of it all the time as a kid, but I certainly got the idea that I was not wanted among my peers. I wonder if I had some static bubble around me where if anyone tried to get close to me, they'd just get shocked and run off. I don't believe I intentionally did things to scare people off, but I was different...quirky, awkward, kind of into my own thing, going to the beat of my own drum. The times I tried leaving the static bubble left me vulnerable, and then later hurt.

What's sad, is that I remember in 5th grade getting my first hug from one of the popular girls...first hug from someone my age, but then they just happened to be popular. I felt like a million bucks. I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way to hug me. It only kept up for a week...then the next, I was back to sitting ontop of monkey bars throwing bark at boys walking by, hoping they'd notice me. I don't know if that girl would remember what she did back then...I was in all 3 stages of school through high school with her, and later on we became civilized acquaintances. I feel silly looking back at how much that hug meant to me...how much that one week of acceptance boosted my self worth. It's funny to me how much that has stuck in my mind all these years...for goodness sake, they weren't even long hugs or anything, they were extremely tame and polite,

Light patting on the back, a quick 4 seconds...yes, I counted. I remember counting. 

1, 2, 3, 4, done.

It mattered that much to me. 

4 seconds.

That's all it took to make me feel wanted, to feel normal...

4 stupid seconds.

There is something simply amazing about college...all of a sudden, it doesn't matter how weird and quirky I am. In fact, there are much weirder, quirkier, outlandish people I have encountered who I love and adore. The drama department is full of these people. I don't need to conform myself to be like anyone else...I'm me, and now, as an adult, it's cool being me. 

And guess what?

I get sung to on my birthday...

I invite friends over...sometimes multiple ones at a time, and everyone sticks to their word...

I get hugs...

And I have friends...for much longer than 4 seconds.

What's important in all of this? Being a kid sucked, yes. I sometimes forget how good I've got it with the friends I have today...how different of a person I am now than I was then. I worked through my social awkwardness, but I didn't conform to being just like everyone else at the same time. I kept true to who I am, but I learned how to relate to people, and learned how to be a true friend and learned what it looks like to have one. Friendship is one of the greatest gifts of my life, and I have close friends who I can depend on and trust. They know I'm weird, and quirky, and outlandish...but now it's what I use to draw people closer, not push them away. My rejection has brought me an amazing ability to reach out to those who seem unreachable. I know what it's like being different and being the not-saught-after-girl...so it's clear as day to me when I see it in other people now. Instead of giving the quick, polite and unmeaningful hug like I was shown back in the day, I sit and talk with people and get to know them. It makes a big difference, and brings people into my life I might not have expected to be there before. 

I'm probably that broken record blog by now, but guess what? Blogs aren't only a reminder for you readers, but for me, the blogger. I keep myself in check by reflection to certain parts of my life...

There is still much progress for me in trusting others who want to come into my bubble...

Best way to do that is to be a bubble popper for other people I see, showing them I want in.

POP! 

<3 Maddie

It's the First Blog of the Year!

4 am, and I'm still awake, writing a blog...

Apparently it's been too long since my last post...

Guess it's time to blog :) Welcome back.

 Everyone likes to start the year off with resolutions like giving up that addiction (again), or losing those pounds that always seem to find their way back, or being the first white guy to achieve true "wangster" status.  

I have so many bittersweet feelings about 2012. So many amazing things happened to me, and I found myself growing in a lot of ways, and I have come to love so many new people. I started a weight-loss journey that has been fairly consistent for the first time ever, I was in amazing shows at school, and I had straight A's all year basically. But, some crap has gone on, too. I won't get into the nitty grtitty, but life has thrown a lot my way, and now, 2013 is going to be a year when I look at life in a whole new way...I've had a lot of changes happen to me recently...a lot of things come and hit me all at once, it seemed like.

You know that generic question on personality surveys, the one that asks you if you see life with the "glass" half empty or half full?

I wish there were an option to select where you see life as a spilt glass, but then you can try scooping up the falling water before it it's the ground.

What do I mean? I'm not sure exactly...I think I see life being full of surprises, and sometimes your glass of water tips over, and you have to think on your feet about what to do next. Or you could just let it spill and watch the water soak into the ground and never do anything about it...that option doesn't sound as fun, though. 

I felt like, the past couple of months, like I had a glass filled to the top with water, and I was trying to walk on a tight rope...oh, and I was balancing the glass on my nose. Obstacles kept getting me from my end goal, and life situations caused me to be caught off-guard. To save the water that spills out, to not save the water...the never ending question.

With my Autism, a lot of people basically congratulate me for "over coming" it over the years. I have had to work extremely hard to be able to cope with a lot of my difficulties and persevere. The thing that I haven't overcome, is acceptance of my other flaws that are non-autism related. I don't like admitting my fault in a situation that happens to me, and I have a hard time not finding excuses for things that happen in my life. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and 2013 is going to be one of those years when my awareness of all of this is extremely heightened. I don't want to continue the pattern in my life of taking an easy way out...I want to know that when a problem came my way, I faced it head-on and I felt accomplished afterwords...just like how I did with Autism. As much as it is a gift, I'm not going to lie, it can be a huge pain in the ass, even still today for me. I cope, and I've had to fight for the things I wanted in life but people never thought I'd ever be able to have...and I got there with shining glory. But it didn't happen over night...and I seem to forget that. That's probably my biggest obstacle in my way, the thing that makes things hard when my glass of water wants to tip over...I'm impatient...and impulsive. I like to see immediate results. When things don't happen for me right away, or I find myself unable to solve a problem with quick thinking, I run away from it, or do something irrationally that winds up screwing me over later.

I know this is that point in the post when the cheesy and generic line comes up about not wanting to live that way anymore, and that 2013 is going to be different, and that I'm a new person now and won't let anything stop me because I'm strong...I AM WOMAN!!! *Insert roaring applause, confetti, and white guys with sagging pants and gold chains screaming YEAH BOIIIIII here*

Well...yeah. That is true. I do want all of that. But it won't happen the way I want it to.

I have a lot of work I need to do...and my impulsivity and impatience may not even be fixed within the year...or any of my other "resolutions". I may not end 2013 a flawless person...and I don't want to. I want to look back knowing that I worked on the things I needed to work on for myself, and that I made progress despite my flaws. The glass I am carrying called life is going to want to tip over, over and over again. I am going to want to tip the thing over myself sometimes...it's ok, we all have those days, right? Even if you don't. I know that I do occasionally, but I'm not going to let it get the better of me. There's still a lot for me to be proud of all at the same time. I made some mistakes during 2012, and I may make similar mistakes again, and completely new mistakes I didn't see coming, but the point is, is that life is always going to want to throw us off our game, and it's how we look at if afterwords that determines if we truly want to meet our goals and face it head on instead of just accepting it and not doing anything about it...it may not happen in the time that you want it to, but that doesn't make it unachievable. 

Life Lessons with Maddie...maybe life would make more sense if it were in the form of a pop-up book. It sure would be a lot prettier, and colorful, and there would be hot men that save the day and bring you margaritas with bendy straws...

Ok, maybe the pop-up books I read are a little too extravagant.

Have a great 2013, everyone...cheers to you and your resolutions...even if they are life resolutions that are going to take a while. Have a seat on the train, I'm right there with ya.

<3 Maddie

aaaaaAAAAAAHHHH FREAK OUT!!!

My last post was WAY too long ago...

The stresses of life have kept me away from my art, my outlet, my connection to all of you reading this! No longer...I'm back and ready to rumble :)

I miss my coping mechanisms...growing up, I was given little ways, tricks if you will, of ways to handle any kind of intense emotion...yes, I had them even when I was ridiculously happy and excited.

Yesterday, I saw a good example why I still need them. I'm stage managing/producing a show at my school at the moment (a 10 minute play festival with 7 shows in them), and it was opening night last night. I had multiple directors coming up to me at once asking me questions, not giving me time to respond to any of them...them being circled around me and talking to me with stressed tones made me literally grab at the back of my head as if I were to pull my hair out, letting out a grunt of frustration.  My peers looked at me with complete confusion, not really ever seeing this side of me. I was SUPER embarrassed at my lack of control in the moment, but then I was able to take a deep breath and get back to work and answer all of their questions. Looking back, the correct thing to do would have been to ask them all to meet me outside of the theater we were standing in, away from all of the other noise going on around us with actors moving set pieces and talking. Luckily, the people I work with are all like family to me and were able to help me in the moment to breathe, but I can only imagine what would happen in a real work situation and this happened to me...

"So...yeah. About that whole "freak out" incident...let's not do that. And by that, I mean, leave the building and don't come back. Preferably ever. Uh...yeah...thanks a lot."

Apparently I imagine my future boss being much more passive than what would realistically happen...

My brain can only handle so much stimulation at one time...it's something that I am completely aware about myself, and yet, I find that moments like these come at me when I am stressed out and have a lot of anxiety.

I remember as a child being given little things during class or social situations to relieve my anxiety/over and under stimulation/ general lack of focus. I had a stress ball I would hold in my hand if we had to sit and listen to lecture sessions to give me something to do, I would draw cartoon strips of social situations that I didn't know how to process otherwise (I actually did this through high school, too), many things I did to get myself out of my own head. I think that's why I love theater so much...it gets me out of my own head and into something else to focus on. Sometimes, my mind doesn't know how to process all the information flowing through it at once, and it can be hard to break down what exactly is going on around me. I feel like I must know what schizophrenics go through...hearing voices in your head all at once, and having them consume your thoughts...only I'm not making up the voices, I can just literally hear every conversation happening in a room, and I visually can have a detailed observation of everything around me, all of this happening at the same time, typically. To this day, sometimes I will get so stressed that I have involuntary tics (facially) that I hadn't actually realized were tics until recently. I am constantly challenged by overwhelming emotion...I actually wound up walking out of a class in college recently because I had such bad test anxiety and couldn't focus. I wound up going back and working it out with the teacher, but it was clear to me that I still have many challenges in myself that haven't gone away. I used to do that all the time as a child...and the fact that it happened in college makes me realize that I have things I need to work on.

I know that many children on the spectrum are given tools to cope.  I know a newer trend going around are animal aids that are by your side and are trained to sense stress and anxiety. Petting animals is a physically calming action. I'm starting to think that it shouldn't just be us with the mechanisms...everyone should have something to help them focus or calm down. Some people work out, some people take baths, some people punch things (hopefully not people and hopefully wearing a boxing glove or something). Not only that, but people in general need to have a better sense of their triggers. If you know a certain thing really bothers you or stresses you out...just tell people! No one can help you if you aren't open about certain things.

I need to take my own advice...I try so hard to appear like I have things together in my life to people all the time...I hate seeming weak, or limited. I take on a million different things in my schedule, and I often find myself burned out, which leads me to lash out at times. I think I am somewhat ahead of the game though and can at least acknowledge that. I don't do enough to cope with everything going on in my head and in stressful life situations. Writing about all of this has actually helped...vulnerability can be healing. Find what gives you relief...we, as people, keep so many things pent up inside and try and handle the world by pretending there is no problem. It can literally physically harm you...we carry stress in our muscles. We all need to find things that can get us to a mentally healthy place to be able to do the things we need to do.

Don't be a tool, just use tools.

...It sounded better in my head. 

<3 Maddie

Help?

I have come to the conclusion recently that I have a hard time accepting help from others.

Well, OK, I've always known this...

And it's not because I'm trying to show off what strong guns I have when things need to be lifted.

I know this doesn't sound like an uncommon trait to have, but it has really been coming to my attention recently as to how I approach situations...

Imagine spending your life bound to a wheel chair (I don't mean that you are a robot and are part human/part wheel chair...although the image of that sounds pretty amazing). You need constant support and assistance from people around you, even when it is things you really CAN manage to do yourself. Then, with enough of physical therapy, you miraculously learn how to walk on your own...which would feel great and you would feel unstoppable, right? You feel like you can do anything...but the people around you still feel the need to help you...and you get back to feeling incapable again, even though you have done all of this work to get where you are.

So, take out the wheel chair in this scenario and replace it with Autism...and that is my life. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate having people in my life that are willing to support me...there are just some people who assume that I need help with things I have actually worked hard to become capable at (which actually turns out to be people who know me the least...) after telling them I am autistic. It actually REALLY irks me, and is probably my 2nd biggest pet peeve...the 1st will always be high pitched noises...*SHUDDER*.

Many people have a hard time receiving help from people. It's understandable...no one wants to be seen as incapable or incompetent. I certainly don't...many years of my life have been spent not ever feeling good enough to accomplish certain things. I still can't cut with scissors in a straight line. There are obviously things I don't do perfectly. I feel as if I have to prove myself more to people...I want them to see that I can handle a lot more than what my circumstances have allowed me to accomplish in the past. 

I don't want to be a charity case, and I've never wanted people to look at me, hear I am autistic  and then assume that I am limited. Autism makes me the opposite of limited...it gives me strength in so many ways. I have worked hard to get to the places I am. 

Here's the problem: I spend so much time trying to prove my competency that I shut out people who actually want to help me out of the kindness of their heart, not because they don't think I can. I could potentially damage relationships in my life if I don't learn to let people in. It's hard to remember that in the moment..

I would love to go around in life with a cape on my back feeling like super woman all the time...but I'm not super woman.

I'm a human, and all kryptonite does is hurt my eyes from all of the bright glowing. Oh, sensory jokes...

I've worked too hard to be able to form relationships with people, and the last thing I want to do is deny their love because I feel like I don't need anyone. I have to remember that I couldn't have gotten to the point I am at without people in my life supporting me. I didn't have everything done for me, but when I felt stuck with no end in sight, there were people there to cheer for me and encourage me. I've hit a lot of dark spots in my life where I didn't know how to move on to the next day...sometimes it still happens. I couldn't move out of those places if I had no one around me...

I am the girl who is never defeated...but that doesn't mean that I can do it all on my own...and that isn't Autism's fault. I will NEVER use Autism as an excuse. I haven't over come every obstacle in my life, to this day there are still things that get in my way of being successful.  I hope other people on the spectrum have a support system...not servants, or people who will take care of the things you don't want to face, but people who want to see you at your best and are willing to help you get there with their words of encouragement. We all need people in our lives to turn to when things get rough.

Trust me...I would rather turn to people than vodka.

Jerks are People, too

I ran into someone the other day at the mall, who used to bully me RELENTLESSLY in Elementary school. 

He started my childhood nick name "Maddie Fatty" (which to this day makes me cringe and I don't like talking about it...).

One day, in the 3rd grade, he shoved me in a trash can for playing pretend Poke'mon by myself...

So I reported him. And after being evaluated, he wound up being put in special ed.

He never messed with me again...but I always knew him as the guy I sent to special ed.

I never really thought much about it after it happened...but 15 years or so go by and I see him and I literally felt speechless. I put on my polite face and said hi and asked him how things were going, and he reciprocated the same energy I threw at him. It over-all wasn't a bad experience, but it really got me thinking about things...

What would have happened if I hadn't spoken up about this incident and what he had been doing to me? I don't mean in the sense on what would have happened to me, I was getting made fun of by more kids than just him, but I mean with his life. I don't know exactly the kind of problems he had, but I imagine that if they hadn't gotten him in the program when he did, he would be in a totally different place right now and would not have gotten to where he is now. He told me that he is at a technical college going to be an auto-mechanic...which is awesome! What if he had never gotten the services the special ed provided for him? I don't want to blame myself for his success...but one little thing led to another, in a sense. 

What would have happened to ME if I hadn't gotten services?

I don't think I would be at all who I am today. Let's see some examples...

Things I could not do if I were never in special ed or gotten the amount of therapy I had:

-I couldn't speak. I would have no sense of communication, or if there were, it would be 2 or 3 words at a time.

-I couldn't eat anything but PB&J, French Fries, and Mac & Cheese.

-Acting? Forget about it.

-College? Forget about it.

-Boyfriend? ANY kind of friend? Non-existent...

I'd go on, but let's just say this...I owe a LOT to people in the educational system. Not all of them were necessarily people I always enjoyed working with, and a couple of people made me feel pretty crappy, but the ones who were awesome to work with are the ones that stick out in my mind. It took me years later to see the impact that these people really did have on my life and my development, but now as an adult, it means the world to me. 

Parents, if your child is frustrated with their special ed, or they don't seem cooperative, please be patient. Your perseverance and your child's special educators are essential in helping your child find the best sides of Autism. No matter what your child might have, early intervention of it will make all the difference. Intervention can help your child bring the best sides of them out, when the negative seem to want to over-shadow them. Don't give up! Years later, they will thank you for never abandoning them even in the darkest of times. I know I have, and I bet that guy from my elementary school does, too.

By the way...Mondays suck. Just thought I'd throw that in there.

<3 Maddie

Let's "Get It" On...

I have many (claimed to be) "Neuro-Typical" people in my life, many of them who knew almost nothing about Autism before meeting me. There are so many people who I love and adore that I choose to have in my life, but still don't seem to "get it".

My dog doesn't seem to "get it", in the sense that she doesn't quite "get" how to poop outside. I swear, my dog, Jandy, (yes, that is her real name, I have no need to try and protect her identity) has the internal hatred of taking a poop out on the grass. I will spend a max of 2 hours being outside with her, and when I finally give in and have us go back inside, the second I open the door of my apartment, she bolts in and goes to her little poo-corner and does her little Pomeranian/Chihuahua thing.  I have gone so far as to buy the fake grass they sell at PetCo to see if she will do her business on that...nope, nothing. She really prefers either on our carpet or on a puppy pad (that is sprayed with the scent you can buy that tricks her into going on the places you spay...except outside!!!). As many times as I will yell and scold her for not going outside, and as many times as I try different approaches to this dilemma, my efforts seem to fail. The nick-name "Little Sh$%#" says enough for her.

I find it funny that people look at people with Autism and assume that they don't "get it"...like we are out of touch with normality and that because we function DIFFERENTLY, it makes it automatically not acceptable...to those people's standards. 

No, YOU don't get it.

...No offense.

Let me help you "get it" :)

What do I mean by "get it"? Here's the deal: the people I interact with on a consistent basis seem to lack understanding of how Autism works. My friends don't see me as Autistic...which is cool on the surface, but really the issue is that their "image" of Autism is only the severe cases they have seen in the media or tantrums in public places. What they don't "get" is that Autism has many faces and many ways it affects people...negative AND positive. People in my life hear about Autism and only hear about and or see the negative, and it affects the way they look at the spectrum.

Side note...the low functioning portion of the spectrum is not the entirety of the spectrum...also, it's not a disease and I refuse to refer to it as a disease.

Supposedly, people on the spectrum don't "get it". What is there to "get", anyway? Because we don't think or act the way that "neuro-typical" people do makes it wrong? We have many gifts and talents that our society could not function without. There are many people in history that people have looked back on and seen Autistic tendencies and ways of thinking in. One of the smartest men in history, if not the smartest, Albert Einstein, was thought to have had Autism. Many things would not have happened if we didn't utilize the way his brain worked and the way he formulated ideas and put them into our realities. There are many other examples of people like this in history, and even though people didn't know about Autism then, it doesn't mean that it didn't affect people, very very influential people.

My friends and family love me. I have a wonderful support system in my life...but often, I find that there are still many people with ignorance about the benefits Autism can have. Jokes are made about Autistic people in front of me...and it makes me want to vomit. Just because I have found a social tact that helps me with everyday relationships does not mean that I am automatically not Autistic, and it does not give people the leeway to think that their mocking doesn't affect me. I can yell at them like I yell at my dog until they understand...but it won't help anyone. Jandy won't do her business outside by me yelling at her, in fact, it might even make her more afraid of me. Patience is key. Change won't happen if I just stay angry at ignorance. Ignorance can be fixed, not stupidity. I don't have stupid people in my life...in fact, I have very many brilliant and talented people surrounded by me (each with wonderful gifts they will offer to the world), but there certainly is a good amount of ignorance going on. 

I know I have said this over and over again...but people on the spectrum don't need to change who they are. It's about finding educational strategies to utilizing the gifts that people with Autism have. Helping people on the spectrum reach a communication level with the people around them is different than trying to change the language entirely. There are many different ways that you can bring out the best in people without changing the person themselves.

I hope that people reading this blog have a better understanding of the spectrum...it's huge, it's a little confusing, but it's something that people need an understanding of, especially with the growing number of diagnoses going on.

Instead of calling it an "epidemic" it should be called an "evolution" with the possibility of many "solutions".

Get it?

<3 Maddie :)

Maddie: Never Defeated

This is amazing and horrible timing for this blog post...

I'm pissed off...

REALLY pissed off.

Oh yeah...Hi there, how's it goin? Long time no see...

By the way, in general, life has been treating me well...good things happening in Maddie-Land.

But now, I'm pissed off.

Care to continue?

Fair warning: this is probably not going to be one of those "warm and fuzzy" posts that you can find some sort of enlightenment from. I'm typing everything at the top of my head, hoping it will help clear my thoughts.
The exact situation is not important, but I am revealing to you a kind of vulnerability you might not have seen before. It's like seeing a mother bird after she's had a predator try taking her eggs away from her...

I'd imagine she'd be pretty pissed off and not be too inclined to have self-control.

That's what my autism anger-bursts feel like...

Let's just say...I get "Cray-Cray".

It's normal for me to feel frustrated about things, or overwhelmed, stressed out, whatever...but to get me absolutely FUMING is a whole other story. If I do get like that, you'll probably never see it. I might tell you about it after the fact, but I tend to not reveal the actual emotion. It ain't pretty. I got from 1-10 on the anger scale pretty quickly...a lot of people on the spectrum do. It becomes more than an emotion...it evolves into a physical anger where you feel like every pulse in your body is blood ready to burst from your veins. It's been an hour since I've had a complete melt down...and my heart is still pounding. Typing this all right now literally feels therapeutic...I feel myself becoming more and more relaxed as I go along, and things seem less and less like the world is crashing down. The pressure on my finger tips on the keys on the keyboard feel like I am releasing the pent of feelings I was storing. I came home from school tonight completely out of control of my emotions. I literally felt like punching something and screaming at the top of my lungs. Instead of that un-healthy behavior that could potentially hurt myself, I've decided to blog.  

Again, what happened to get me to this point isn't really important...let's just say I was hurt by a friend I care about a lot. I wish I had told them that I felt angry at them in the moment, and instead I bottled it all up and broke down when I got home...I hate that I do this. I don't like confrontation, but in the moment, it seems better than facing the problem "head on". I think at times, I feel like I can't tell people when I am angry, because I hate myself when I am angry. Unfortunately, I've spent a lot of my life feeling angry, and it's not somewhere I like to re-visit nowadays...running away and being alone always seemed better than putting it all out there and risk losing that relationship. As a defense mechanism, I think I like being the person who chooses to leave vs. being pushed away.

I don't like being angry...but I know that there is some importance in allowing yourself to be angry if you let it out in a healthy away. Punching a wall would be...ouch...and drinking my problems away would be even more ouch. I figure that sharing with people the way I experience the world can help them not only understand people with Autism, but also themselves. I know in my blog I might come across like I have things all figured out about life...but I don't. I have a lot to learn. I'm glad I know how I am when I am angry. Addressing it keeps me from doing stupid things in the moment...ignoring it never helps.

I want to be better at letting people know what I feel about things and being honest with them. I shouldn't have to reserve what I think and feel to keep others comfortable. If they've hurt me, they should know about it. They'll never grow as a person if they aren't aware of the way they might be affecting someone. I know this is easier said than done, but I think it is something that a lot of us tend to forget. You don't have to blow up at people to get your point across...that line can be difficult to find, but it's an important one. The best way I have found is writing it out...verbally communicating it in the moment can be bad because you might wind up saying things you don't mean, or it can be difficult to articulate in a calm way what it is you are exactly trying to say.

I'm happy that I did this...I feel physically much less tense and I can think clearly without profanities clouding my coherent thought process. I figure things can go 1 of 2 ways...I could either let every time I face anger let it defeat me, or I can address it, solve it, and let it go. I've had a lot to overcome in my life...even when I feel worn out an ready to throw the towel, I've got to push through.

Anger can be a good thing...it can motivate people to seek change.

Guess what?

Maddie Dugan is never defeated.