My last post was WAY too long ago...
The stresses of life have kept me away from my art, my outlet, my connection to all of you reading this! No longer...I'm back and ready to rumble :)
I miss my coping mechanisms...growing up, I was given little ways, tricks if you will, of ways to handle any kind of intense emotion...yes, I had them even when I was ridiculously happy and excited.
Yesterday, I saw a good example why I still need them. I'm stage managing/producing a show at my school at the moment (a 10 minute play festival with 7 shows in them), and it was opening night last night. I had multiple directors coming up to me at once asking me questions, not giving me time to respond to any of them...them being circled around me and talking to me with stressed tones made me literally grab at the back of my head as if I were to pull my hair out, letting out a grunt of frustration. My peers looked at me with complete confusion, not really ever seeing this side of me. I was SUPER embarrassed at my lack of control in the moment, but then I was able to take a deep breath and get back to work and answer all of their questions. Looking back, the correct thing to do would have been to ask them all to meet me outside of the theater we were standing in, away from all of the other noise going on around us with actors moving set pieces and talking. Luckily, the people I work with are all like family to me and were able to help me in the moment to breathe, but I can only imagine what would happen in a real work situation and this happened to me...
"So...yeah. About that whole "freak out" incident...let's not do that. And by that, I mean, leave the building and don't come back. Preferably ever. Uh...yeah...thanks a lot."
Apparently I imagine my future boss being much more passive than what would realistically happen...
I remember as a child being given little things during class or social situations to relieve my anxiety/over and under stimulation/ general lack of focus. I had a stress ball I would hold in my hand if we had to sit and listen to lecture sessions to give me something to do, I would draw cartoon strips of social situations that I didn't know how to process otherwise (I actually did this through high school, too), many things I did to get myself out of my own head. I think that's why I love theater so much...it gets me out of my own head and into something else to focus on. Sometimes, my mind doesn't know how to process all the information flowing through it at once, and it can be hard to break down what exactly is going on around me. I feel like I must know what schizophrenics go through...hearing voices in your head all at once, and having them consume your thoughts...only I'm not making up the voices, I can just literally hear every conversation happening in a room, and I visually can have a detailed observation of everything around me, all of this happening at the same time, typically. To this day, sometimes I will get so stressed that I have involuntary tics (facially) that I hadn't actually realized were tics until recently. I am constantly challenged by overwhelming emotion...I actually wound up walking out of a class in college recently because I had such bad test anxiety and couldn't focus. I wound up going back and working it out with the teacher, but it was clear to me that I still have many challenges in myself that haven't gone away. I used to do that all the time as a child...and the fact that it happened in college makes me realize that I have things I need to work on.
I know that many children on the spectrum are given tools to cope. I know a newer trend going around are animal aids that are by your side and are trained to sense stress and anxiety. Petting animals is a physically calming action. I'm starting to think that it shouldn't just be us with the mechanisms...everyone should have something to help them focus or calm down. Some people work out, some people take baths, some people punch things (hopefully not people and hopefully wearing a boxing glove or something). Not only that, but people in general need to have a better sense of their triggers. If you know a certain thing really bothers you or stresses you out...just tell people! No one can help you if you aren't open about certain things.
I need to take my own advice...I try so hard to appear like I have things together in my life to people all the time...I hate seeming weak, or limited. I take on a million different things in my schedule, and I often find myself burned out, which leads me to lash out at times. I think I am somewhat ahead of the game though and can at least acknowledge that. I don't do enough to cope with everything going on in my head and in stressful life situations. Writing about all of this has actually helped...vulnerability can be healing. Find what gives you relief...we, as people, keep so many things pent up inside and try and handle the world by pretending there is no problem. It can literally physically harm you...we carry stress in our muscles. We all need to find things that can get us to a mentally healthy place to be able to do the things we need to do.
Don't be a tool, just use tools.
...It sounded better in my head.
<3 Maddie
