Picture a young girl...
by herself, in a corner.
The other kids mind their own business, carrying on with their fun.
The girl watches, wondering what normality is like.
She doesn't LIKE being alone...
She would rather it be her choice than theirs.
I find myself to be a funny person. I don't mean funny in the sense that I laugh at my own jokes (ok ok well maybe that IS true...but not what I am referring to.), I mean funny in the sense that I am, and have always been, complex. As a child, I would always watch people, study them, and want to be around them...but their lack of understanding on why I was the way I was kept me from interactions. It was easier for me to sit in shadows and enjoy others play than it was for me to jump in and join...
The fear of rejection is a funny thing, ladies and gents.
Not funny "Ha Ha" but funny "Ha...ha".
Someone I go to church with asked me the other day if I considered myself to be introverted or extroverted. He commented that he found most people on the spectrum to be introverted and not all that interested in people, and thought it was interesting that I am so talkative and personable. I didn't know how to answer him exactly...
Again, I'm complex.
Things aren't black and white in my world.
Dare I bring up a "spectrum" of colors reference?
From the way I see it, most people on the spectrum that I have encountered appear to be introverted...until you get them talking about something of their interest or knowledge base...then you can't get them to shut up (I mean that in the BEST of ways, trust me, I love it!). As a child, I was more or less this way. I didn't really speak to people unless I was approached, or I would try speaking to people at inappropriate times and not in the most socially acceptable way.
I've always been interested in people. People FASCINATE me...hence why I love theater. My favorite activity is people watching or facebook stalking (yes, I admit it, I am a HUGE facebook stalker). I like knowing what makes people the way they are...their tics, their joy triggers, their sense of humors, etc. Seeing romance blossoming is, to me, one of the greatest things a person can witness.
However, if you were to ask me to make a phone call to someone I don't know that well...
I freak. Big time.
I don't get full blown anxiety attacks or have a phone phobia or anything like that...I'm just really not good at initiating a conversation with someone I don't have a personal connection with. Not only that, but I am BAD at asking people for favors or asking them questions. I fear bothering people...I think so much of my life has been spent feeling like I was bothersome to people, or that people had to always go way out of their way to support me. So then those feelings of resentment have kept me from being able to verbally confront people, in a good or bad way. I can't speak for everyone on the spectrum or people who are "special", but I can't imagine this not being a common feeling among "my people".
I'm extroverted if you come to me. I can't explain why. I'm pretty much cool with talking to anyone and getting to know them...but if I am the person who has to do it, it takes A LOT for me to get there. I laugh that people think I am this huge social butterfly...
This butterfly still has cocoon wrapped around her wings.
Makes flying just a liiiiittle difficult.
You know those questions on surveys when you have to say your ideal working situation? I always say that I prefer working independently. Shocking to some people, right? I'm a thinker...I process everything in my head and formulate ideas best when I write. If I have to speak with a bunch of people in a collaborative manner, my ideas don't always come across in the best way. It's not that I don't enjoy working with people, because again, I like people, but I would rather work on my portion of a project independently. Again, the fear of having my ideas rejected is something I dread. Feelings on inadequacy...
I used to watch the movie "Shrek" and know exactly how he must have felt. Having people chase you down with burning pitch forks, running you out of town. I used to see myself in this light. The fear of showing who I was to the world kept me from real relationships.
Knowing yourself is the most important thing you can do. I am aware of how I work best, but it's not because of fear anymore. I don't know when it happened exactly, I want to say more in the college years, I got over it. I decided that it was better to own who I was and be proud of it than to keep up this act of being a way that I thought people needed me to be like in order to like me. Pay attention...this didn't click for me until COLLEGE. It's not like this is the easiest thing in the world to come by...obviously I got glimses of it earlier on in high school and what not, but I noticed that I was never the same person around groups of people I knew.
Now, I'm me everywhere...
Politically, socially (acceptable and not acceptable :)), physically, etc.
I really appreciate those of you following my writing. This newly discovered vulnerability has not only been a healing process for myself, but it's reached parents and other people who have benefited from my story. I have found so much gratification from your notes, words of encouragement, and comments about my blog. It's nice knowing you aren't the only person who feels a certain way. What's better than even being able to write about it, is to talk about it...bringing up my autism casually in conversation has been the biggest relief and gift I could ever have.
All I've ever wanted, even from my childhood, was to help people. I feel called to it. I've wanted nothing more than to try and make a difference in the world. This is certainly getting me in the right direction.
Rejection is done standing in my way.
The movie never ends, it goes
On
and on
and on
an onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Oh Journey...why did Glee have to ruin you?
Anyway, hope you are all having a good summer :-)
<3 Maddie
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