Maddie: Never Defeated

This is amazing and horrible timing for this blog post...

I'm pissed off...

REALLY pissed off.

Oh yeah...Hi there, how's it goin? Long time no see...

By the way, in general, life has been treating me well...good things happening in Maddie-Land.

But now, I'm pissed off.

Care to continue?

Fair warning: this is probably not going to be one of those "warm and fuzzy" posts that you can find some sort of enlightenment from. I'm typing everything at the top of my head, hoping it will help clear my thoughts.
The exact situation is not important, but I am revealing to you a kind of vulnerability you might not have seen before. It's like seeing a mother bird after she's had a predator try taking her eggs away from her...

I'd imagine she'd be pretty pissed off and not be too inclined to have self-control.

That's what my autism anger-bursts feel like...

Let's just say...I get "Cray-Cray".

It's normal for me to feel frustrated about things, or overwhelmed, stressed out, whatever...but to get me absolutely FUMING is a whole other story. If I do get like that, you'll probably never see it. I might tell you about it after the fact, but I tend to not reveal the actual emotion. It ain't pretty. I got from 1-10 on the anger scale pretty quickly...a lot of people on the spectrum do. It becomes more than an emotion...it evolves into a physical anger where you feel like every pulse in your body is blood ready to burst from your veins. It's been an hour since I've had a complete melt down...and my heart is still pounding. Typing this all right now literally feels therapeutic...I feel myself becoming more and more relaxed as I go along, and things seem less and less like the world is crashing down. The pressure on my finger tips on the keys on the keyboard feel like I am releasing the pent of feelings I was storing. I came home from school tonight completely out of control of my emotions. I literally felt like punching something and screaming at the top of my lungs. Instead of that un-healthy behavior that could potentially hurt myself, I've decided to blog.  

Again, what happened to get me to this point isn't really important...let's just say I was hurt by a friend I care about a lot. I wish I had told them that I felt angry at them in the moment, and instead I bottled it all up and broke down when I got home...I hate that I do this. I don't like confrontation, but in the moment, it seems better than facing the problem "head on". I think at times, I feel like I can't tell people when I am angry, because I hate myself when I am angry. Unfortunately, I've spent a lot of my life feeling angry, and it's not somewhere I like to re-visit nowadays...running away and being alone always seemed better than putting it all out there and risk losing that relationship. As a defense mechanism, I think I like being the person who chooses to leave vs. being pushed away.

I don't like being angry...but I know that there is some importance in allowing yourself to be angry if you let it out in a healthy away. Punching a wall would be...ouch...and drinking my problems away would be even more ouch. I figure that sharing with people the way I experience the world can help them not only understand people with Autism, but also themselves. I know in my blog I might come across like I have things all figured out about life...but I don't. I have a lot to learn. I'm glad I know how I am when I am angry. Addressing it keeps me from doing stupid things in the moment...ignoring it never helps.

I want to be better at letting people know what I feel about things and being honest with them. I shouldn't have to reserve what I think and feel to keep others comfortable. If they've hurt me, they should know about it. They'll never grow as a person if they aren't aware of the way they might be affecting someone. I know this is easier said than done, but I think it is something that a lot of us tend to forget. You don't have to blow up at people to get your point across...that line can be difficult to find, but it's an important one. The best way I have found is writing it out...verbally communicating it in the moment can be bad because you might wind up saying things you don't mean, or it can be difficult to articulate in a calm way what it is you are exactly trying to say.

I'm happy that I did this...I feel physically much less tense and I can think clearly without profanities clouding my coherent thought process. I figure things can go 1 of 2 ways...I could either let every time I face anger let it defeat me, or I can address it, solve it, and let it go. I've had a lot to overcome in my life...even when I feel worn out an ready to throw the towel, I've got to push through.

Anger can be a good thing...it can motivate people to seek change.

Guess what?

Maddie Dugan is never defeated.