Help?

I have come to the conclusion recently that I have a hard time accepting help from others.

Well, OK, I've always known this...

And it's not because I'm trying to show off what strong guns I have when things need to be lifted.

I know this doesn't sound like an uncommon trait to have, but it has really been coming to my attention recently as to how I approach situations...

Imagine spending your life bound to a wheel chair (I don't mean that you are a robot and are part human/part wheel chair...although the image of that sounds pretty amazing). You need constant support and assistance from people around you, even when it is things you really CAN manage to do yourself. Then, with enough of physical therapy, you miraculously learn how to walk on your own...which would feel great and you would feel unstoppable, right? You feel like you can do anything...but the people around you still feel the need to help you...and you get back to feeling incapable again, even though you have done all of this work to get where you are.

So, take out the wheel chair in this scenario and replace it with Autism...and that is my life. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate having people in my life that are willing to support me...there are just some people who assume that I need help with things I have actually worked hard to become capable at (which actually turns out to be people who know me the least...) after telling them I am autistic. It actually REALLY irks me, and is probably my 2nd biggest pet peeve...the 1st will always be high pitched noises...*SHUDDER*.

Many people have a hard time receiving help from people. It's understandable...no one wants to be seen as incapable or incompetent. I certainly don't...many years of my life have been spent not ever feeling good enough to accomplish certain things. I still can't cut with scissors in a straight line. There are obviously things I don't do perfectly. I feel as if I have to prove myself more to people...I want them to see that I can handle a lot more than what my circumstances have allowed me to accomplish in the past. 

I don't want to be a charity case, and I've never wanted people to look at me, hear I am autistic  and then assume that I am limited. Autism makes me the opposite of limited...it gives me strength in so many ways. I have worked hard to get to the places I am. 

Here's the problem: I spend so much time trying to prove my competency that I shut out people who actually want to help me out of the kindness of their heart, not because they don't think I can. I could potentially damage relationships in my life if I don't learn to let people in. It's hard to remember that in the moment..

I would love to go around in life with a cape on my back feeling like super woman all the time...but I'm not super woman.

I'm a human, and all kryptonite does is hurt my eyes from all of the bright glowing. Oh, sensory jokes...

I've worked too hard to be able to form relationships with people, and the last thing I want to do is deny their love because I feel like I don't need anyone. I have to remember that I couldn't have gotten to the point I am at without people in my life supporting me. I didn't have everything done for me, but when I felt stuck with no end in sight, there were people there to cheer for me and encourage me. I've hit a lot of dark spots in my life where I didn't know how to move on to the next day...sometimes it still happens. I couldn't move out of those places if I had no one around me...

I am the girl who is never defeated...but that doesn't mean that I can do it all on my own...and that isn't Autism's fault. I will NEVER use Autism as an excuse. I haven't over come every obstacle in my life, to this day there are still things that get in my way of being successful.  I hope other people on the spectrum have a support system...not servants, or people who will take care of the things you don't want to face, but people who want to see you at your best and are willing to help you get there with their words of encouragement. We all need people in our lives to turn to when things get rough.

Trust me...I would rather turn to people than vodka.