1,2,3,4, Rejection

Flash back...

Seeing the cool group of kids in elementary school, hanging out by the kickball field, trying to join in...worse than getting picked last, I didn't get picked at all...funny looks, whispering in ears, the strut away, rejection.

Alright, flash back...

Inviting kids to my birthday parties, everyone off doing their own thing, funny looks, whispering, ignoring me blowing out the candles, rejection.

Let's try this again...flash back...

Inviting a friend over to my house after school, friend says yes that day, says she is sick the next day, mom catches my "friend" walking home after school with another, more popular girl...scolding, shock, missed opportunities, rejection.

You get the idea. Ouch, right?

Elementary school was pretty much just a miserable time all around. I know I've touched on this time in my life a lot, because it's the one that hits the hardest for me and the one where a lot of my pain has stemmed from. It's also where my autism had the biggest affect on me. I notice more and more the older I get. I don't trust. I run away when I sense rejection coming.Sometimes I feel as if my rejection in the past has given me a split personality. It has made me either overcompensate my fear by being over-the-top and the fun person everyone wants to being around (sometimes overwhelmingly so), or the girl who shuts down and avoids her feelings and the people around her.
It almost caused me more pain to learn about this rejection as I got older...I can't say I noticed all of it all the time as a kid, but I certainly got the idea that I was not wanted among my peers. I wonder if I had some static bubble around me where if anyone tried to get close to me, they'd just get shocked and run off. I don't believe I intentionally did things to scare people off, but I was different...quirky, awkward, kind of into my own thing, going to the beat of my own drum. The times I tried leaving the static bubble left me vulnerable, and then later hurt.

What's sad, is that I remember in 5th grade getting my first hug from one of the popular girls...first hug from someone my age, but then they just happened to be popular. I felt like a million bucks. I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way to hug me. It only kept up for a week...then the next, I was back to sitting ontop of monkey bars throwing bark at boys walking by, hoping they'd notice me. I don't know if that girl would remember what she did back then...I was in all 3 stages of school through high school with her, and later on we became civilized acquaintances. I feel silly looking back at how much that hug meant to me...how much that one week of acceptance boosted my self worth. It's funny to me how much that has stuck in my mind all these years...for goodness sake, they weren't even long hugs or anything, they were extremely tame and polite,

Light patting on the back, a quick 4 seconds...yes, I counted. I remember counting. 

1, 2, 3, 4, done.

It mattered that much to me. 

4 seconds.

That's all it took to make me feel wanted, to feel normal...

4 stupid seconds.

There is something simply amazing about college...all of a sudden, it doesn't matter how weird and quirky I am. In fact, there are much weirder, quirkier, outlandish people I have encountered who I love and adore. The drama department is full of these people. I don't need to conform myself to be like anyone else...I'm me, and now, as an adult, it's cool being me. 

And guess what?

I get sung to on my birthday...

I invite friends over...sometimes multiple ones at a time, and everyone sticks to their word...

I get hugs...

And I have friends...for much longer than 4 seconds.

What's important in all of this? Being a kid sucked, yes. I sometimes forget how good I've got it with the friends I have today...how different of a person I am now than I was then. I worked through my social awkwardness, but I didn't conform to being just like everyone else at the same time. I kept true to who I am, but I learned how to relate to people, and learned how to be a true friend and learned what it looks like to have one. Friendship is one of the greatest gifts of my life, and I have close friends who I can depend on and trust. They know I'm weird, and quirky, and outlandish...but now it's what I use to draw people closer, not push them away. My rejection has brought me an amazing ability to reach out to those who seem unreachable. I know what it's like being different and being the not-saught-after-girl...so it's clear as day to me when I see it in other people now. Instead of giving the quick, polite and unmeaningful hug like I was shown back in the day, I sit and talk with people and get to know them. It makes a big difference, and brings people into my life I might not have expected to be there before. 

I'm probably that broken record blog by now, but guess what? Blogs aren't only a reminder for you readers, but for me, the blogger. I keep myself in check by reflection to certain parts of my life...

There is still much progress for me in trusting others who want to come into my bubble...

Best way to do that is to be a bubble popper for other people I see, showing them I want in.

POP! 

<3 Maddie

It's the First Blog of the Year!

4 am, and I'm still awake, writing a blog...

Apparently it's been too long since my last post...

Guess it's time to blog :) Welcome back.

 Everyone likes to start the year off with resolutions like giving up that addiction (again), or losing those pounds that always seem to find their way back, or being the first white guy to achieve true "wangster" status.  

I have so many bittersweet feelings about 2012. So many amazing things happened to me, and I found myself growing in a lot of ways, and I have come to love so many new people. I started a weight-loss journey that has been fairly consistent for the first time ever, I was in amazing shows at school, and I had straight A's all year basically. But, some crap has gone on, too. I won't get into the nitty grtitty, but life has thrown a lot my way, and now, 2013 is going to be a year when I look at life in a whole new way...I've had a lot of changes happen to me recently...a lot of things come and hit me all at once, it seemed like.

You know that generic question on personality surveys, the one that asks you if you see life with the "glass" half empty or half full?

I wish there were an option to select where you see life as a spilt glass, but then you can try scooping up the falling water before it it's the ground.

What do I mean? I'm not sure exactly...I think I see life being full of surprises, and sometimes your glass of water tips over, and you have to think on your feet about what to do next. Or you could just let it spill and watch the water soak into the ground and never do anything about it...that option doesn't sound as fun, though. 

I felt like, the past couple of months, like I had a glass filled to the top with water, and I was trying to walk on a tight rope...oh, and I was balancing the glass on my nose. Obstacles kept getting me from my end goal, and life situations caused me to be caught off-guard. To save the water that spills out, to not save the water...the never ending question.

With my Autism, a lot of people basically congratulate me for "over coming" it over the years. I have had to work extremely hard to be able to cope with a lot of my difficulties and persevere. The thing that I haven't overcome, is acceptance of my other flaws that are non-autism related. I don't like admitting my fault in a situation that happens to me, and I have a hard time not finding excuses for things that happen in my life. I still have a lot of growing up to do, and 2013 is going to be one of those years when my awareness of all of this is extremely heightened. I don't want to continue the pattern in my life of taking an easy way out...I want to know that when a problem came my way, I faced it head-on and I felt accomplished afterwords...just like how I did with Autism. As much as it is a gift, I'm not going to lie, it can be a huge pain in the ass, even still today for me. I cope, and I've had to fight for the things I wanted in life but people never thought I'd ever be able to have...and I got there with shining glory. But it didn't happen over night...and I seem to forget that. That's probably my biggest obstacle in my way, the thing that makes things hard when my glass of water wants to tip over...I'm impatient...and impulsive. I like to see immediate results. When things don't happen for me right away, or I find myself unable to solve a problem with quick thinking, I run away from it, or do something irrationally that winds up screwing me over later.

I know this is that point in the post when the cheesy and generic line comes up about not wanting to live that way anymore, and that 2013 is going to be different, and that I'm a new person now and won't let anything stop me because I'm strong...I AM WOMAN!!! *Insert roaring applause, confetti, and white guys with sagging pants and gold chains screaming YEAH BOIIIIII here*

Well...yeah. That is true. I do want all of that. But it won't happen the way I want it to.

I have a lot of work I need to do...and my impulsivity and impatience may not even be fixed within the year...or any of my other "resolutions". I may not end 2013 a flawless person...and I don't want to. I want to look back knowing that I worked on the things I needed to work on for myself, and that I made progress despite my flaws. The glass I am carrying called life is going to want to tip over, over and over again. I am going to want to tip the thing over myself sometimes...it's ok, we all have those days, right? Even if you don't. I know that I do occasionally, but I'm not going to let it get the better of me. There's still a lot for me to be proud of all at the same time. I made some mistakes during 2012, and I may make similar mistakes again, and completely new mistakes I didn't see coming, but the point is, is that life is always going to want to throw us off our game, and it's how we look at if afterwords that determines if we truly want to meet our goals and face it head on instead of just accepting it and not doing anything about it...it may not happen in the time that you want it to, but that doesn't make it unachievable. 

Life Lessons with Maddie...maybe life would make more sense if it were in the form of a pop-up book. It sure would be a lot prettier, and colorful, and there would be hot men that save the day and bring you margaritas with bendy straws...

Ok, maybe the pop-up books I read are a little too extravagant.

Have a great 2013, everyone...cheers to you and your resolutions...even if they are life resolutions that are going to take a while. Have a seat on the train, I'm right there with ya.

<3 Maddie