1,2,3,4, Rejection

Flash back...

Seeing the cool group of kids in elementary school, hanging out by the kickball field, trying to join in...worse than getting picked last, I didn't get picked at all...funny looks, whispering in ears, the strut away, rejection.

Alright, flash back...

Inviting kids to my birthday parties, everyone off doing their own thing, funny looks, whispering, ignoring me blowing out the candles, rejection.

Let's try this again...flash back...

Inviting a friend over to my house after school, friend says yes that day, says she is sick the next day, mom catches my "friend" walking home after school with another, more popular girl...scolding, shock, missed opportunities, rejection.

You get the idea. Ouch, right?

Elementary school was pretty much just a miserable time all around. I know I've touched on this time in my life a lot, because it's the one that hits the hardest for me and the one where a lot of my pain has stemmed from. It's also where my autism had the biggest affect on me. I notice more and more the older I get. I don't trust. I run away when I sense rejection coming.Sometimes I feel as if my rejection in the past has given me a split personality. It has made me either overcompensate my fear by being over-the-top and the fun person everyone wants to being around (sometimes overwhelmingly so), or the girl who shuts down and avoids her feelings and the people around her.
It almost caused me more pain to learn about this rejection as I got older...I can't say I noticed all of it all the time as a kid, but I certainly got the idea that I was not wanted among my peers. I wonder if I had some static bubble around me where if anyone tried to get close to me, they'd just get shocked and run off. I don't believe I intentionally did things to scare people off, but I was different...quirky, awkward, kind of into my own thing, going to the beat of my own drum. The times I tried leaving the static bubble left me vulnerable, and then later hurt.

What's sad, is that I remember in 5th grade getting my first hug from one of the popular girls...first hug from someone my age, but then they just happened to be popular. I felt like a million bucks. I couldn't believe someone would go out of their way to hug me. It only kept up for a week...then the next, I was back to sitting ontop of monkey bars throwing bark at boys walking by, hoping they'd notice me. I don't know if that girl would remember what she did back then...I was in all 3 stages of school through high school with her, and later on we became civilized acquaintances. I feel silly looking back at how much that hug meant to me...how much that one week of acceptance boosted my self worth. It's funny to me how much that has stuck in my mind all these years...for goodness sake, they weren't even long hugs or anything, they were extremely tame and polite,

Light patting on the back, a quick 4 seconds...yes, I counted. I remember counting. 

1, 2, 3, 4, done.

It mattered that much to me. 

4 seconds.

That's all it took to make me feel wanted, to feel normal...

4 stupid seconds.

There is something simply amazing about college...all of a sudden, it doesn't matter how weird and quirky I am. In fact, there are much weirder, quirkier, outlandish people I have encountered who I love and adore. The drama department is full of these people. I don't need to conform myself to be like anyone else...I'm me, and now, as an adult, it's cool being me. 

And guess what?

I get sung to on my birthday...

I invite friends over...sometimes multiple ones at a time, and everyone sticks to their word...

I get hugs...

And I have friends...for much longer than 4 seconds.

What's important in all of this? Being a kid sucked, yes. I sometimes forget how good I've got it with the friends I have today...how different of a person I am now than I was then. I worked through my social awkwardness, but I didn't conform to being just like everyone else at the same time. I kept true to who I am, but I learned how to relate to people, and learned how to be a true friend and learned what it looks like to have one. Friendship is one of the greatest gifts of my life, and I have close friends who I can depend on and trust. They know I'm weird, and quirky, and outlandish...but now it's what I use to draw people closer, not push them away. My rejection has brought me an amazing ability to reach out to those who seem unreachable. I know what it's like being different and being the not-saught-after-girl...so it's clear as day to me when I see it in other people now. Instead of giving the quick, polite and unmeaningful hug like I was shown back in the day, I sit and talk with people and get to know them. It makes a big difference, and brings people into my life I might not have expected to be there before. 

I'm probably that broken record blog by now, but guess what? Blogs aren't only a reminder for you readers, but for me, the blogger. I keep myself in check by reflection to certain parts of my life...

There is still much progress for me in trusting others who want to come into my bubble...

Best way to do that is to be a bubble popper for other people I see, showing them I want in.

POP! 

<3 Maddie