The Awkward Dork I'm Proud to be

Welcome back, all you lovely people!

If you are reading this, it means you are back for more, which is very cool!...and not cool. I am so flattered by all of the people who read my last post, it was much more than I thought people would really view it, so I hope my next posts can leave you feeling as satisfied, if not more than my first one!

THE PRESSURE IS ON! (Cue Rocky theme music)

Anyways, it's so cool to see that people are interested in what I have to say. It hasn't always been like that for me...in fact, at many points in my life I have had lots I have wanted to say but lacked the voice and support to do so. That is what is so awesome about this blog...I can share all of that stuff I wanted to say then AND all the stuff I have to say now. Even if people say rude things about this blog, there isn't anything they can do about it. 

I'm UNSTOPPABLE...till the internet Nazi's strike. Then I'm a goner.

I didn't grow up with the most friendly group of kids...in fact, many of them were big jerks to me (especially the boys I actually had crushes on, that was the worst feeling ever. And if you are one of those boys and you are reading this now...hah. Oh how my taste in men has improved.). I don't think I truly understood what having a true friend meant till I was in high school...yes, high school. Don't get me wrong, I had "friends" and people I hung out with before then: the polite all class invites to birthday parties, the girl who clung onto me because I was the only English speaking person who gave her the time of day (till she learned some, of course...), the sports teams my parents forced me into, the boy who had me act out his imaginary poke'mon (...sp??) creatures he made up because I was ballsy and beast like enough to do it, the other autistic boy I went to school with who spread his boogers on the play ground to protect me from the school bullies...quite the gesture, I must admit.

I was literally an awkward turtle. When I got uncomfortable in social situations and kids made fun of me, I hid inside my shirt and shut everyone out. Inside my shirt was stretchy and comfortable enough to be a little shell for me. I would even play with my troll dolls inside of it (oh yeah...I liked troll dolls...a lot. Not the toy anyone else wanted to play with, I understood them). When the rest of the world seemed like an unsafe place, at the end of the day, my imagination was my only safe place. At home, I would write, paint, create stories with dolls, things I did not need other people for. This was only a temporary fix though...after it all, I still felt lonely. I can only be good company for myself for so long. 

Even though people treated me like crap...I still wanted to understand them and have relationships with them.

People at a young age don't understand that those that aren't like them aren't bad...oh wait, there are even adults like that. People in general are born with ignorance. I couldn't expect to have kids in elementary school to understand why I was not only completely different looking than them (let's put it this way...since Kindergarten, I've been a giant. I was about 4'10 beginning elementary school...plus a little chubby.) I didn't realize this till later on in life, but the kids comments and teasing were only to protect themselves. In all actuality, I probably spared a lot of kids from being bullied because people were too focused on my imperfections back then. Being autistic made everything seem amplified because I felt helpless articulating my thoughts to them...so i'd just scream or cry. And of course that made me look like a bigger fool in their eyes...my reactions only pushed people farther away from me.  

The only thing that made kids like me for a short period of time was the annual school talent show. Even though I couldn't speak to people, I could most certainly sing. When I was in control of making myself look like a fool through goofy songs, then people suddenly became my friend...for a day...then I was a loser again. My time in the spot light was short lived once a year for 4 years...

BEING A KID SUCKS. All there is to redeem the 90's for me was the fact that there were some pretty cool cartoons. 

The End...or is it?!

Then middle school came...

...Oh middle school...at least we were all awkward dorks then.

In middle school, right off the bat I did something pretty stupid...only this time, this seemed to make me friends instead of alienate them. 

Let's flashback to your first middle/junior high school dance...now back to me, now back at that that guy you danced with who had the B.O and sweaty palms, now back to me. Sadly, our dance experiences were a little too similar...

A boy asked me to dance. He was awkward, lanky, and taller than me...whoah, boys are taller than me now? Awesome!! So I said yes...and then during Usher's "Yeah"...he attempted to swing dance with me. Please picture this in your mind...in the center of the dance floor, surrounded by my entire 6th grade class. Please laugh. Now continue reading...

This big football player who I went to elementary school with came up and started pointing and laughing at us obnoxiously and loudly...granted, everyone was laughing, but he made a point of having us know he was laughing directly at us. 

"EWWW LOOK, IT'S BEAST AND THE GEEK! (...people didn't seem to get more clever with their insults later in life...come on, really?) SO LAME! WOW! LOOK AT EM GO! LOOKS LIKE UGLY LOVE TO ME!!"

...I had to face more of this bullshit in middle school? No one warned me about this. I had had enough of this crap in my life. This guy is an idiot. I'm ready to be awesome. So what did I do?

I punched him. In the jaw. CUE THE ROCKY MUSIC!!

Of course this action had it's consequences...getting a detention my first week of middle school. A call home and a written apology to the guy. Nothing so bad that rained on my parade from that experience. I had never felt such a gratifying revenge...at the time...he seemed to have gotten what he deserved. He didn't bleed or anything...but his face was pretty priceless. 

Other kids thought I was a total badass, and then suddenly a confidence boost allowed me to try new things...joining a girl scout troop, inviting myself to hangout with a group of kids during lunch (who later became some of the best friends I've ever had), coloring my nails with sharpie, pretending to be interested in things I had no clue about...you know, the usual middle school thing. I still got made fun of every now and again...but instead of crying about it on the spot, I wrote a sad poem about it and blasted simple plan in my room. Again...typical middle school stuff. My relationships were all pretty shallow...I hung out with people who also just wanted someone to hangout with. But the difference from Elementary and Middle School was that people actually LIKED that I was an awkward dork. I owned it. I became the fat funny girl that people liked to laugh WITH and not at. My self esteem wasn't anything spectacular, but at least I had friends I could call at the end of the day and talk about mundane things with. People didn't really know ME though...I didn't quite know ME either, but people liked what I presented to them...I was done being quiet and alone, so I put on a mask. The mask I wore through middle school, and even into high school. I became a person I wanted people to see...but it wasn't the full me...

Then I took a hiatus from special education, thinking I didn't need it anymore...because hey...I was a middle schooler! That automatically meant that I didn't need assistance from anyone for anything the rest of my life because I was now an independent teenager!...or so I thought...

And then the report cards came home and I was getting lower than C's in almost every class...except drama and choir, of course :).

So in the 8th grade, I was sent back to the good ol' special room...with all the special kids...feeling back at the bottom of the fishbowl. And at the same time...it was the best and worst decision I ever made. 

Middle school special education was a joke. It was a room to force kids to do their homework because that was what we were supposed to do...the teacher was an uncompassionate and rude woman who literally shook a chair at a kid for not getting a hand stamp before using the restroom...

But what I did get out of it was the kids I met in there. One girl, who to this day is a close friend of mine, had tourette's syndrome. Having a few of my own personal ticks myself, I could quickly relate to the kinds of things she was going through. She is, to this day, one of the nicest and most creative people I have ever met (she has a blog, too...you should follow her! I'll post her link later). It was people like her in special ed that showed me that I wasn't the only one with crap to deal with...in fact, a lot of people had it worse than I did. I waited far too long in middle school to find people like this...the goth kids hated life, the special ed kids found ways to get through it with their head up high and a smile on their face.  

Then there was High School...oh high school...the place where we thought we were done being awkward dorks...THOUGHT...

I think I carried a lot of baggage of Elementary school through middle and high school...and I didn't really realize it till later in high school. I think a lot of people have difficulties figuring themselves out in high school...it just felt especially more so for me. I didn't know what I really wanted to do with my life, I kept dating loser guys who had no people skills themselves, and I got myself into stupid situations just trying to fit in and find acceptance from people. Through theater, I found a place where all kinds of people collectively created beautiful works of art...jocks, preps, geeks, special ed kids, anyone who appreciated drama. I always knew I loved doing theater, but now it was less about doing it for myself and more about building cool relationships along the way. At that point, in my junior year, I didn't have to TRY and be anyone...I was who I was. Pretty silly, imaginative and constantly thinking, and always aware of what was going on around me. I met people who fascinated me...people who had gone through all kinds of things in their life much different from what I had to go through. But their story was THEIR story. Everyone has one. I wasn't always open about mine...till the end of high school, when I gave a speech at my Senior baccalaureate about being Autistic. For the first time, out of all the years of high school, people knew me. They heard what I had to say. I wasn't just another actress on stage or just a name they had heard around school. I was known for being me. 

I could go on about all the kinds of experiences I went through throughout school years...but what I hope you take from all these stories and what not is that I've been through things...everyone has. Your past is part of who you are, but it doesn't define you. There is so much I have to look forward to in life, and it would be really easy to let my hardships keep me from accomplishing things...to use Autism as a crutch. But I am a stronger person that that. I want to share my story with people, and then encourage them to find things in life that work for them...I know that sounds super general and vauge (and a little cheesey), but the greatest advice I got in high school from my favorite teacher (who was my special education teacher) was that when one thing didn't work, find another. There isn't enough time to give up. There is always a solution when things aren't working...and certain things don't work for everyone. Hanging out with the goth kids was not working for me...in fact, it turned me into someone I really didn't want to be. Appreciating people for who they were, faults and all, was the person and the person I am and want to be. Even though this blog is focused on Autism, I hope people still read it and remind themselves that things are hard for everyone in a certain way, and that we don't all have to go through life the same way. College has shown me this, esspecially.

Speaking of College-

No. There is more to come, my dear readers...but I am getting ranty.

So let us adjourn.

Thanks for stopping by. Keep calm and carry on...or some crap like that.

<3 Maddie