Fireworks Vs. The Werewolves

Happy belated 4th of July, everyone! 

Thank God it's over...

Why, you ask?

Because the 4th of July is an Autistic's nightmare.

I've been asked recently what traits I have nowadays that make me autistic. It's funny how in recent years, during my every day life, I will forget that I am autistic. If I were to go into a Dr's office during the day time, I would probably not get an autism diagnosis anymore. I am *very* high functioning...I manage to keep decent eye contact, I can make myself focus on most things, I socialize probably more than I should...etc. In general, I have a pretty O.K time getting by in society...

Until I get tired.

Then all goes to hell. 

I can turn into an absolute wreck when I am tired. I lose impulse control, I have minor ticks, my pain tolerance is basically non existent, and I become overwhelmed by EVERYTHING. I normally have pretty heightened senses to things, but it just becomes more so when I am tired. I smell, hear, see, taste, and feel everything at extremes. I get extremely overwhelmed.

One can call me...a werewolf of the night...

...only not as hairy.

Oh, and I don't eat people.

YAY THERAPY!

.........................

So, the 4th of July...after being out all day doing 4th of July like things (picnicking, swimming, walking, laughing, eating, etc) that can make a person pretty tired by the end of the day...and then the fire works come. I've been around fireworks enough to adapt to the sounds and be alright...and being up close to the bright lights isn't bad if I take pictures and don't look directly at them. The combination of it all can really wear me out...but not right away. It's all fine...and then the walk back to the car, being surrounded by people EVERYWHERE; smelling their food, feeling like you can literally hear every conversation happening as it walks by...and then the pain in my legs from moving around all day wouldn't normally be so bad...none of this would be...but I was tired.

REALLY

REALLY

TIRED

I didn't have a big melt down at the park...although, that would have been kind of amusing watching an adult woman freak out...I waited till I got home, of course. Anyone who has known me for an extended period of time knows this about me at times like these. It can be hard to explain to people why I seem shut off from everything sometimes. The trick, I have learned, is that I need to advocate for myself when I am in a good state, so that they understand what is going on when it happens. It's like when I had to explain to my husband when we were dating that stuff like this would happen...and now we are married, and, unfortunately, he sees the worst of it. The screaming, the heightened pain, the needing to punch things or kick (I don't at him, I usually find other things), the in-coherency... 

Fun times, right?

I've had to learn how to keep doing things I love in a way that keeps me sane. I usually didn't go out at night during high school for this exact reason...I just couldn't handle it. Medication (not in recent years, I've been off any kind of medication for 4 ish years) has helped me get to a place that these symptoms wouldn't affect me on a daily basis. I can usually keep my cool in front of most people, then I get home and "let loose". I know I can't be easy to live with at times, but I am thankful that my husband gets to see the day time me more than the night time! 

I watch so many people have issues like mine, or worse, and don't clue people in on it. I've known people where they wouldn't tell me they had some sort of special need, and then something would happen, and they would freak out about it. Most of the time, I suspect something before hand (having been around enough special needs people) and most of the time wait for them to tell me what is going on. I understand being embarrassed by a certain condition, or you haven't come to terms with it. It isn't easy to let people know about your weaknesses. Vulnerability can be pretty nerve-racking. I learned in high school that I needed to get over it. Who cares if I am autistic? No one, EVER, has made fun of me for it when I've told them. I've had people be in disbelief, but no one has ever laughed at me for being this way...

...to my face...then again, I don't really know what kinds of things they would say behind my back..."OOOOH, MADDIE HAS A HARD TIME FOCUSING, CAN'T DO MATH WELL AND SMELLS STUFF!! AH HA HA HA!!!"

Yeah...I'm really torn up at the thought of it.

All I'm saying is that if you have any kind of disability, or some thing is harder for you than it is for other people, there isn't a reason why you shouldn't talk about it. I have found, more than I expected, that a lot of people have similar issues to me that AREN'T even on the spectrum (that they are aware of)! Or they tell me that they are, and that is also comforting. If you don't let people know about the things you need, or if you don't explain why you have a certain behavior, no one will ever know, and then something will happen and people will just be confused by it. The worst thing that happens when you tell people something is that they think you are full of shit...but who cares?! Let them go, they can be stuck in their own ignorance and you don't want people around like that anyway. I have had to explain, mostly to teachers, about my classroom needs. I CANNOT sit in the back of any classroom. I will learn nothing and doodle on my hand in sharpie until the cows come home. I need extended time on certain kinds of tests because I get test anxiety and it's hard to calm down and focus on the test.

I have to explain to people sometimes why I can't look and speak to them at the same time. The list goes on...in college, I have had to be very verbal about this to my proffs. In high school, they (the special ed department) held your hand along and helped you write letters to your teachers and actually talked to them. They were supportive in helping us support ourselves. Because of what we were taught in High School, I had the right tools for self advocacy. It's so different being totally on your own instead of having someone tell you that you need to start being on your own. And it's like that in the real world, too...you need to be self sufficient to get by in society.


The more open you are about yourself to the world, the easier it will be for them to accept you (and others like you.) Whether you believe it or not, there are understanding people out there who will listen if you tell them something. Expecting awareness and understanding won't help change anything. If we don't talk to people about our issues, we will never help people realize that not everyone is the same. It doesn't even have to be a disability...it can be anything, really. You can tell the world about your Magic addiction...it's ok, there are people who understand (I'm talking to you, Michael Lacker.)

 Admitting to people who you are will help you come to terms with it...trust me.


Society doesn't need perfection from you...it needs honesty.

...and on that note, good night, people.

<3 Maddie :)